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June 14 2017

Eight ways to stay cool in the summer heat

listing-to-port:

1. Be a hat. Hats are cool. Hats never get sunburn. If you are the right sort of hat and happen to get buried in an ancient tomb you can live six thousand years in the cool and wake up surrounded by admiring archaeologists.

2. Summon the mighty North Wind to be your guide and aid, binding it to your side for life, no matter what fortune may bring to you both. If you are primarily resident in the Southern hemisphere you may need to summon the South Wind instead, but I would be cautious here: it is a little grumpy. In both cases a climate impact assessment may be advisable first.

3. Feed yourself to a swan. It is a little-known fact that swans can avoid melting in intense heat due to their internal icemaker, which is unusually intense for a bird. This is why swans in England belong to the Queen. If the Queen did not own so many swans, the intense heat she generates would gradually warp Britain’s royal palaces, leaving them unfit for human habitation.

4. Or then if you should happen to do something particularly outrageous with summer, it may be possible to get it confiscated. Try committing some offence for which the mandated penalty is removal of Summer, such as purchasing a sunhat or filling a paddling pool.

5. Have you been saving a paddle for some future occasion in which you may find yourself up Shit Creek? These paddles make tremendously good fans. It is totally in your interest to take that paddle out from its storage place and bring it with you to the beach and leave it round the back of a beach hut somewhere while you make an awesome sandcastle and then go on the carousel and forget all about it.

6. Tell a story of such splendour and sorrow that it sets the very stones themselves to weeping. Stones are nice and cool inside and their tears are great for the skin and if you can really get them going you may be able to swim in the resulting river. Be careful to get out before they start on the snot, though.

7. Superimpose another dimension upon your own - if you can, try a hell dimension in which everything is obliterated by eternal Winter, that dimension that is all corridors with no heaters in, or one in which nothing exists but the silent and chilly void of space.

8. Bring a fan. Be a fan. Talk to the other fan enthusiastically about everything that is great in the world until the sun goes to sleep and you are both left in the cool dark and there are still so many awesome things left in the world to discuss.

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captain-flint:

— D.H. Lawrence, Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence 

[insp. by old-long-john’s gross tags]

angrypiratehusbands:

you: Netflix and chill
me, an intellectual: Black Sails and cry uncontrollably

June 13 2017

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isabelasass:

Chloe Price in Life is Strange 2 E3 Announce Trailer
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samhound:

mango ice tea - monster energy - monster energy - vanilla protein shake 

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saltybatman:

responsible for all the chaos.

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huffingtonpost:

Looking back at an unspeakable tragedy – and looking ahead for the communities that will never be the same.

What follows are the names of the 49 victims who died in the Pulse Nightclub Massacre. Rest in power.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23

Amanda L. Alvear, 25

Oscar A. Aracena Montero, 26

Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, 33

Antonio Davon Brown, 29

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29

Angel Candelario-Padro, 28

Juan Chavez Martinez, 25

Luis Daniel Conde, 39

Cory James Connell, 21

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32

Simón Adrian Carrillo Fernández, 31

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26

Peter Ommy Gonzalez Cruz, 22

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22

Paul Terrell Henry, 41

Frank Hernandez, 27

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30

Javier Jorge Reyes, 40

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30

Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21

Brenda Marquez McCool, 49

Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25

Kimberly Jean Morris, 37

Akyra Monet Murray, 18

Luis Omar Ocasio Capo, 20

Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, 25

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25

Jean Carlos Nieves Rodríguez, 27

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano-Rosado, 35

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24

Yilmary Rodríguez Solivan, 24

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33

Martin Benitez Torres, 33

Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24

Juan Pablo Rivera Velázquez, 37

Luis Sergio Vielma, 22

Franky Jimmy DeJesus Velázquez, 50

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31

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ledamemangociana:

“Let this be a lesson for all of you out there who think Clerics are lame and nobody loves them.”

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grifterfiona:

You two? Partners?
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Rising hate scrapes away Pacific Northwest's so-called progressive image

northwestnoir:

“The data does not lie. As recently as 2015 King County, Washington, was the whitest large county to be found across all fifty state. Portland — founded as a racist white haven — is still holding out as the whitest city in the entire nation, obviously by design.

Additionally, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center’s website, Washington state currently has the seventh highest number of reported hate incidents — which is a conservative estimate.

And according to a new data-gathering project by ProPublica, Oregon residents have the highest per capita rate of reported hate crimes and bias incidents of all.”

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sundermounts:

I mean, at least someone gets it 💁🏽‍♂️

waluwadjet:

hvrleyquinn:

Look, the only live action Disney remake I want is the Emperor’s New Groove and I want there to be no CGI, I want Kuzco to be played by two actors in a cheap llama costume

seppin:

When U get too cocky and have like 50 tabs open and then God reminds U to stay humble and crashes the browser and U lose all of them 

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sandandglass:

Brooklyn Nine-Nine s03e16

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